104: The Sequel

After yet another morning shift, there is again no time to come up with original material. So this is the sequel to yesterdays Odds and Ends, with even more odds and ends. Going beyond the realms of my phone, I found material in old notebooks and my ipod.

In an age where food is measured by calories rather than flavour, being healthy is now the “good” thing. To say that I eat healthily at work would be a lie. The irony of this is not lost on me, as I work in a fruit shop. As a result every once in a while someone comments on how unhealthy my lunch looks. Which got me thinking, if only there was something I could add to my lunch that would make it look healthy, but wouldn’t alter the taste at all. The solution: token salad. A small amount of highly visible salad that is so small that you don’t even know that you’ve eaten it. People think your meal is healthy and you are still happy to eat it.

This quick and easy solution is commonly seen in fast food restaurants. Like the shreds of lettuce on a McChicken, or the tomato on a toasted cheese, ham and pepperoni sandwich. The best example of this was at Nandos (The Gap, before it closed down), when they presented four 50 cent sized pieces of lettuce next to an entire plate of deep fried chips and grilled chicken.

On a small side note, it is interesting exactly how much tokenism works. Social psych has taught me that people are much less angry about something when a token (person from there group) gets the benefits of the something. For example, the African American in horror movies who always dies first. Sure, easily recognizable as a token character to put on a face that Hollywood is a fan of racial diversity. But you don’t see any more protests about African Americans not being in feature films anymore do you?

Reality tv shows. As much as I dislike them, I must admit I do enjoy the audition stages. Partly to see more real performances, and I will admit, also to see people fail. But like many social commentators comment, has reality tv gone too far?

Who still adores Australia’s Idols?

When Dancing with the Stars becomes Dancing with People You Barely Know.

So you think you can dance,
just cause you wear tight pants,
well I got a little lesson,
to fix your indiscretion,
so shut up sit down and listen,
cause it goes like this.

They are the tightest of fits,
so when you do the splits,
they reveal too much information,
about your groinal inflammation,
so please hop back on your bike,
you’re not through so take a hike.

If I was an Indian telemarketer, I would call myself Indiana Phones.

You know what’s weird about permanent markers? Every homeless person seems to have one, while I can’t afford to spend that much on a pen. Then I found out why while standing in line at centrelink, “So what are you here for?” “Oh, just inquiring about youth allowance. You?” “Picking up my permanent marker allowance. Also, cause being homeless is my job they’re tax deductible.”

102: The Barbecue

The second post. This is the longest I’ve ever kept a daily blog going. Hooray!

The barbecue is an essential at any Australia Day gathering. It truly is a magical machine. Not only can it allow you to cook meat outside the confines of a kitchen, it also teaches men to cook. Unfortunately it’s only temporary; as soon as they walk back in the kitchen they have to ask how to use the microwave again. Baby steps.

The ability of being able to barbecue is a crude measure of your manhood. You know what’s hard about cooking steaks? You ask everyone how they like their steaks, only to realise that you can’t tell the difference when they’re cooking. “Mate these steaks are really well done.” “Oh, well thanks. I actually learned to cook when I was young, and I hope to become a chef someday… other acceptance speech phrases.” “No mate, I asked for mine to be rare.”

Now to real life news. Some people at work made pinatas on the weekend. And it got me thinking how cool pinatas are in general. If I ever made a pinata, I would make one of Tyler Durden from Fight Club, so that before I saw swinging at it, I would do an impersonation oh him, “I want you to hit me as hard as you can.”

You know what’s hard about having parents who grew up poor? Every piece of technology is the eighth wonder of the world. We got a new doorbell today, and dad insisted on listening to each of the chimes. In full. Because it would be a waste to not to.

101: Lamb Theory

My aim is to do an open mic night before uni goes back. Probably in January. So I thought I might do something topical and do a set about Australia Day. A very forwardly named holiday for the sake of having another public holiday.

So why the 26th of January? Historians will give you a spiel about how it marks the first arrival of the British Fleet. A day everyone but Aboriginals love celebrating. Interestingly, the 26th of January wasn’t nationally recognised and consistently a public holiday until 1994. Something about that seemed a bit fishy to me.

I have an alternative proposal for why Australia Day is celebrated on the 26th of January, which is linked to the great pastime of eating lamb on Australia Day.

Lamb, like most other meats, is most enjoyable when it’s tender. They are the most tender when they are born in Spring, and get less tender as they grow older. However, lambs have very little meat when they are born in Spring, and get more meat as they grow older.

So in Spring time when lambs are born, they are very tender, but have very little meat. As time goes on their tenderness decreases, while their amount of meat increases. And where these two lines meet, the lamb reaches the optimal balance between tenderness and the amount of meat. This balance just happens to be reached on the 26th of January, or as some of you might know it, Australia Day.

In this little joke’s debut at a friend’s gathering last Friday, all three people who were in the kitchen at the time of telling laughed. So I’ll take that as a good sign. Anymore feedback?