Return to the mothership.

112: Public Transport Set.

In Season 1 on March 16, 2011 at 10:39 am

As many of you know, the reason I am keeping this blog is to generate and test material that will eventually get turned into an open mic set. I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I’ve finished a rough draft of a set. The bad news is that I don’t feel it’s up to standard and won’t be performing it just yet. I’m currently working on a second set about advertising, a topic that I like a bit more.

So I decided to post the rough content of the public transport set for you guys to read, rather than never letting it see the light of day. Bare in mind it’s fairly rough. I also haven’t developed a consistent style yet, so there will be a mix of punchlines and actouts (which I am aware don’t work overly well in written form, but oh well).

Everyone knows the pains of public transport. The long wait in a long line with people who haven’t showered in a long time. All to hop in an even more confined space with them, and pay for the privilege. This is how we get to work every morning. Unless of course you drive an Audi, BMW or a Merc. Or a Volkswagen, or a Citroen, or a Renault. Or a Toyota, Honda, Mazda, Subaru, Nissan, Ford, Holden, Kia, Daewoo or Daihatsu. Hell, even if you drove a Hyundai you wouldn’t catch a bus. At least on the days it doesn’t break down.

There’s always one kooky passenger on the bus. You know, a carriage short of a train, a coin short of a return fare or a hull short of a city cat. But I digress. Point being they look a little bit mental. Not mental enough to be unable to use public transport, but mental enough that you don’t want them to sit next to you. Go cards you touch on, me you don’t.

Go cards make paying for the bus fare almost too easy. Now you don’t even have to count change. Now I’m all for convenience, but it has to stop at a certain point. Do we really want people who can’t count riding on buses? Where would they go anyway? “I’m going to 87 Queen St., don’t worry I can find it. It’s right next door to 246 Queen St. and I know where that is.” “I made a killing at the casino today, I played this wheel game with plastic notes and won this tiny gold coin!”

But really, it is very convenient not to have to carry coinage around. It makes me wonder why more places don’t accept payment by go card. “Alright lads, now here’s the deal. You’ve got a 5 minute private dance with Honey. Please have a breath mint before she starts, don’t bother asking her out for a drink and most importantly no touching! Unless of course you are paying by go card, then just touch on and touch off.

Fares are on the rise again. Now they cost as much as a cup of coffee. But are the two really comparable? A cup of coffee is just a cup of coffee, but a bus fare, you can go many places with a bus fare. For example, you could take a girl out on a date with a bus fare. As long as she lives within two zones of your house. And the restaurant is along the bus route. And you must remember to bring spare change to pay for her bus fare, so that you don’t look any less pathetic. Actually, that cup of coffee is looking pretty good right now.

Late night buses are like rollercoasters. They take corners way too quickly, they’re packed with young people and you always wish they had more safety features. The only difference is the guy behind you throws up for an entirely different reason. (The premise for this joke actually came from Bec’s facebook, and I’m yet to ask her if I can use this observation).

Security guards on trains are not the same as security guards everywhere else. You wouldn’t even think about taking on a security guard at a pub, but even I fancy my chances with a security guard on the train. There are two kinds of train security guards: old men trying to keep their minds active and scrawny Indian men how make me look like a body builder. Who are they going to save you from. If a guy pulls a knife on you, what’s the train security guard going to do? “Ohhh sonny boy, you’d best not do that. I know your great grandmother. Don’t think this won’t get back to her!” Guess who’s getting stabbed and robbed tonight. Or if a drunk guy tries to crack onto you and your friends. “Hey ladies, you, me and a bottle of Baileys? Some tunes, my hot tub and we’ll see where it goes from there?” What’s the train security guard going to do? “Excuse me sir, but back in my country we do not court women like that. How about I get both your parents’ phone numbers, we’ll arrange a meeting of the families, and we’ll see where it goes from there?” No, that won’t deter that drunk guy from hitting on you, whether you are Megan Fox or look like me.

So that was the rough copy of what was formerly going to be my first open mic set. I’m a little scared to ask for feedback. About as scared as I am of catching a train late at night. But I suppose it would be good. So if you have thoughts, and are uninhibited enough to comment, please do.

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