114: How Many People Actually Follow You On Twitter?

The most annoying thing about people who have a twitter, is that they always have to tell you that they have a twitter. The second most annoying thing about people who have a twitter, is that they always have to tell you how many “followers” they have. The third most annoying thing about people who have a twitter, is, well, I don’t know. I generally stop listening to them by that stage. But I often wonder how many of the “followers” actually follow them on twitter. So I did a bit of research to come up with the How Many Twits Like You Theory. Unfortunately, to do such research I myself had to set up a twitter account. And I have 25 followers, thanks for asking.

Before I get into the nitty gritty of how many people actually follow you, there is an important theoretical distinction to make. There are two main groups of people who use twitter: celebrities and nobodies. The formulas for each group are different.

Celebrities.

The formula for celebrities is easy. The number of twits who like you = “followers”. Case in point, Katy Perry. On twitter she has 7,136,467 “followers”, and 7,136,467 people actually follow her on twitter.

Nobodies.

For nobodies, the formula is a great deal more complicated. There are a number of people you must subtract from your “followers” to arrive at the true number of twits who like you.

People you must subtract:

• Creepy internet men. (10%)
• The duplicate accounts of creepy internet men. (20%)
• People trying to sell you stuff (5%)
• Sexy females, who are actually creepy internet men. (20%)
• Hip businesses that have twitter accounts (10%)

Case in point, me. I have 25 followers. From this I need to subtract creepy internet men (2.5 followers), the duplicate accounts of creepy internet men (5 followers), people that are trying to sell me stuff (1.25 followers), sexy females who are actually creepy internet men (5 followers) and hip businesses that have twitter accounts (2.5) followers. This totals 16.25 people I need to subtract. Of course we can’t have a quarter of a person, so we’ll use the rounding rules that you learnt in grade 3, which brings it down to 16 people I need to subtract. So I have 9 (25-16) twits who like me.

So thanks to the How Many Twits Like You Theory, you can now work out how many people actually follow your twitter account.

Unfortunately due to uni work pressure, I haven’t had time to do another webcomic. So here’s some teenage mutant ninja brussel sprouts that I made at work the other day.

113: The Advertising Set.

Finally the return of the Jedi, after uni work struck back. As you may have gathered, I took a siesta from blogging as the first lot of uni assignments drew near. Now those assignments are gone, I have a couple of weeks on my hands while in denial about my midsemester exams. So I thought I’d let you in on my latest rough workings of yet another open mic set. In other words, I haven’t had any flashes of inspiration for a post since I decided to write one at midday today.

Advertising is everywhere. Too most people it is also annoying, rather bland or feels like a scam. But I try and look at it a bit differently, by seeing the opportunities it presents for me to improve my life. If I bought everything from every advert I saw, I could have the closest shave possible on my pimple free face, which my girlfriend will appreciate while I last longer in bed. After which I’d take a shower in my newly tiled bathroom (with lifetime guarantee), where I can admire my better defined abs, partly due to the ab circle pro, but also helped by the fact that every sandwich I eat has 6 grams of fat (or less), and that only costs me $4.95 with a coke zero. And that keeps my bank balance healthy, on which I earn an awesome interest rate because I took financial advise from the talking orangutan from ING Direct.

You know what’s hard about listening to AMI ads? Knowing you’re not.

“Before I called AMI, I only lasted as long as an ad break on NOVA. But after I smsed a rather innocent word out of context (longer), I now last as long as a proactive acne solution infomercial at 4 in the morning.”

46% of advertisements rely on some form of statistics to influence you. 50% of them are backed by real data, while 64% of them just make up percentages on the spot. 19% avoid round number percentages because they make people suspicious of their authenticity, 20% use round number percentages because they are easier to remember, one third will use factions, .025 will use proportions and 1 in 4 advertisers will use natural frequencies because they are better understood by 9 out of 10 people.

The lynx effect is probably one of the most controversial ad campaigns in recent Australian memory. The basic premise is that using lynx deodorant will get you ladies. And the more you spray, the more ladies you will get. Laughable right? I mean the stuff smells terrible. But in theory it should work. First you spray so much of your favourite/least despised lynx deodorant on without freezing your skin. Then you go to your favourite/least despised bar and talk to the ladies. The sheer amount of lynx you put on will make said ladies you are talking to light headed. Not because they are falling head over heals for you, but because of the lack of oxygen in your cloud of your favourite/least despised lynx scent. The oxygen deprivation combined with the laughing gas properties of lynx will soon have the ladies giggling at all of your jokes. Even the AMI ones. After some time the oxygen deprivation will reach a point where it distorts their perception and cripples their decision making abilities that they suddenly realise that you are the most attractive male specimen they have ever seen and offer to go home with you. However, like many psychological theories of behaviour, it doesn’t work in the real world.

And that was an insight into some of the notes of an open mic set that I was working on about a month ago. I’ll hopefully get some inspiration for an actual blog post soon. Also in non-writing related news, I finally figured out how to ad a facebook “like” button on my blog posts (as seen below).

And in more exciting slightly writing related news, I am considering starting a web comic project, called Comic Stripping. Don’t worry, it will be all draw and all tasteful. So keep and eye out in the foreseeable future.

112: Public Transport Set.

As many of you know, the reason I am keeping this blog is to generate and test material that will eventually get turned into an open mic set. I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I’ve finished a rough draft of a set. The bad news is that I don’t feel it’s up to standard and won’t be performing it just yet. I’m currently working on a second set about advertising, a topic that I like a bit more.

So I decided to post the rough content of the public transport set for you guys to read, rather than never letting it see the light of day. Bare in mind it’s fairly rough. I also haven’t developed a consistent style yet, so there will be a mix of punchlines and actouts (which I am aware don’t work overly well in written form, but oh well).

Everyone knows the pains of public transport. The long wait in a long line with people who haven’t showered in a long time. All to hop in an even more confined space with them, and pay for the privilege. This is how we get to work every morning. Unless of course you drive an Audi, BMW or a Merc. Or a Volkswagen, or a Citroen, or a Renault. Or a Toyota, Honda, Mazda, Subaru, Nissan, Ford, Holden, Kia, Daewoo or Daihatsu. Hell, even if you drove a Hyundai you wouldn’t catch a bus. At least on the days it doesn’t break down.

There’s always one kooky passenger on the bus. You know, a carriage short of a train, a coin short of a return fare or a hull short of a city cat. But I digress. Point being they look a little bit mental. Not mental enough to be unable to use public transport, but mental enough that you don’t want them to sit next to you. Go cards you touch on, me you don’t.

Go cards make paying for the bus fare almost too easy. Now you don’t even have to count change. Now I’m all for convenience, but it has to stop at a certain point. Do we really want people who can’t count riding on buses? Where would they go anyway? “I’m going to 87 Queen St., don’t worry I can find it. It’s right next door to 246 Queen St. and I know where that is.” “I made a killing at the casino today, I played this wheel game with plastic notes and won this tiny gold coin!”

But really, it is very convenient not to have to carry coinage around. It makes me wonder why more places don’t accept payment by go card. “Alright lads, now here’s the deal. You’ve got a 5 minute private dance with Honey. Please have a breath mint before she starts, don’t bother asking her out for a drink and most importantly no touching! Unless of course you are paying by go card, then just touch on and touch off.

Fares are on the rise again. Now they cost as much as a cup of coffee. But are the two really comparable? A cup of coffee is just a cup of coffee, but a bus fare, you can go many places with a bus fare. For example, you could take a girl out on a date with a bus fare. As long as she lives within two zones of your house. And the restaurant is along the bus route. And you must remember to bring spare change to pay for her bus fare, so that you don’t look any less pathetic. Actually, that cup of coffee is looking pretty good right now.

Late night buses are like rollercoasters. They take corners way too quickly, they’re packed with young people and you always wish they had more safety features. The only difference is the guy behind you throws up for an entirely different reason. (The premise for this joke actually came from Bec’s facebook, and I’m yet to ask her if I can use this observation).

Security guards on trains are not the same as security guards everywhere else. You wouldn’t even think about taking on a security guard at a pub, but even I fancy my chances with a security guard on the train. There are two kinds of train security guards: old men trying to keep their minds active and scrawny Indian men how make me look like a body builder. Who are they going to save you from. If a guy pulls a knife on you, what’s the train security guard going to do? “Ohhh sonny boy, you’d best not do that. I know your great grandmother. Don’t think this won’t get back to her!” Guess who’s getting stabbed and robbed tonight. Or if a drunk guy tries to crack onto you and your friends. “Hey ladies, you, me and a bottle of Baileys? Some tunes, my hot tub and we’ll see where it goes from there?” What’s the train security guard going to do? “Excuse me sir, but back in my country we do not court women like that. How about I get both your parents’ phone numbers, we’ll arrange a meeting of the families, and we’ll see where it goes from there?” No, that won’t deter that drunk guy from hitting on you, whether you are Megan Fox or look like me.

So that was the rough copy of what was formerly going to be my first open mic set. I’m a little scared to ask for feedback. About as scared as I am of catching a train late at night. But I suppose it would be good. So if you have thoughts, and are uninhibited enough to comment, please do.